theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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