So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
