Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
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