have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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