I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
