im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
