textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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