why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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