My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
