found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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