The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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