Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
