get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Randomize
