i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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