Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
