I just saw a hot homeless man
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
