Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
