Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
