Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
