And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
