remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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