You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
