I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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