I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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