dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
