last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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