My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
