I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Randomize
