in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
