I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
