he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
