Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
