he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize