I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
