All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
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