Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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