the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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