I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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