he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
