At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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