Capitaan dildo arrescate!
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
