Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
