Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
