I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
