oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
