You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
