I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
