why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
