just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
