Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
