ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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