I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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