I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize