Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
