Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
