As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
