You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
im calling her cock vulture from now on
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
