I have demons in me.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
