It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
